10 Signs You’re Trying Too Hard to be a Yummy Mummy

1. You put on lipstick for your 3 a.m. feed.
2. You bought a stroller because the colour flattered your skin tone.
3. You pop out a breast in public even though the baby’s not hungry.
4. You put 30lbs of dumbells in the bottom of the stroller for the extra calorie burn.
5. You wear stilettos to offset the bulk the Baby Bjorn adds to your midsection.
6. You select eyeshadow to match the baby’s clothes.
7. When you take the baby for a walk, you purposely take a route that passes three different construction sites.
8. You get huffy when strangers comment on how cute your baby is rather than your outfit.
9. You spend more time with your personal trainer than you do with your kid.
10. You like being engorged because it gives your boobs that taut, Pamela Anderson look.

Recipe for a Good Mommies Group

I must confess: I’m not really the mommy group type. Sure I like to cook, but that’s really where Martha Stewart and I part ways. I’m not into scrap-booking, failed Grade 8 sewing and am generally turned off by all the “oohing and aaahing” over china patterns and pressed flower arrangements.

 Which is why I dropped the first mom’s group I went to like a very wet diaper. Before I get any hate mail, let me just clarify: I like doing crafty stuff (I suck at it, but that’s what makes it kind of fun). I’m even thinking about making my own baby food. But while all the women at the mom’s group seemed very nice, I couldn’t crack their veneer. They were too nice. Too happy. Too damn pleasant and perky. 

 There I was, making a baby foot print shadow box for my in-laws and I gotta say: I wasn’t feeling the love. I was tired, cranky and dammit, my nipples hurt. Sure I love the bejesus out of baby N but I was having a bad day.  Apparently, I was the only one.  Everyone around me was all smiles and hugs and “oooh that paper is just the cutest!” and “I’ve already made two scrapbooks to commemorate the first two weeks of little Janie’s life!” I left there feeling disconnected and glum: maybe mommydom wasn’t for me after all.

 But a great thing happened. My neighbour (who I didn’t know all that well) invited a couple of new moms and I over for lunch and yes, even a glass of wine (before I get more hate mail about being a deadbeat alcoholic mom, breastfeeding guru Jack Newman says it’s okay to indulge now and then). The four of us sat there, babes in arms or tucked away in a vibra chair and something amazing transpired: we dished it out straight, even though we barely knew each other.

 We all, it turns out, have moments of sheer love, panic, joy, insanity, peace and frustration over being new moms. We sat there and laughed and bitched and laughed–about sleepless nights, stupid things our mates sometimes utter, the cute little things our babies had started doing, the consistency and regularity of poop, the crying, the cooing, the hormonal up and downswings, the fact that we felt unprepared. And then we laughed some more until we realized we’d been sitting there for over four hours. All without having made one shadowbox, assembled one scrapbook page, or having decided on which ’special guest’ we could bring in to tell us how to feed, bond and burp our babies.

Yet something was acheived that day: we all found a place where we could be our messy, complicated new mom selves without judgement and without having to accomplish any task other than to enjoy each others’ company. And now a group of six, we’ve decided to do it every week.

 It’s real, it’s raw, and I must say, it’s something I look forward to every Tuesday!

Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic

Yikes!  Want to add a little zing to your breastmilk? This recipe (which was a hit at my deadbeat mom’s lunch) is tasty, easy and, you guessed it, garlicky!

Hint:  This tastes better if made the day before and if you use chicken on the bone. To make it even faster, buy pre-peeled garlic at an Asian market. Got the recipe from Bonnie Stern’s Simply HeartSmart Cooking book. Serves 6 

1 3lb/1.5 kg chicken cut in pieces skin removed

2 tbsp olive oil

40 cloves garlic peeled

10 shallots peeled

3 tbsp cognac or brandy

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

3/4 cup dry white wine

2 tbsp chopped chives or green onions

1.        Pat chicken pieces dry. Heat oil in large deep, non-stick skillet. Brown chicken in batches about 8 minutes a side.

2.        Add garlic and shallots. Shake pan to move cloves under chicken. Cook 10 to 15 minutes until garlic and shallots are lightly brown.

3.        Remove fat from pan. Pour in cognac or brandy and flambé using long match.

4.        Add salt, pepper and wine. Bring to boil, cover, reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with chives or green onions

Sean’s Easy Chili

I don’t know who the heck Sean is, but his chili was pretty tasty at our last deadbeatmom lunch. Thanks Kara! 

Sean’s Easy Chili   

• 4 Tbsp. veg. oil
• 2 green peppers, chopped in 1/4″ pieces
• 2 medium onions, chopped into 1/4 ” pieces
• 4 celery stalks, chopped in 1/4″ pieces
• 2 large garlic cloves, finely minced
• 2 lbs. lean ground beef
• 5-6 Tbsp. chili powder 
• 2 tsp. ground cumin seed
• 1 tsp. marjoram.
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. oregano2 tsp.
• Durkee hot pepper sauce
• 2- 19 oz.  Delmonte canned tomatoes (Italian)
• 2-10 oz.Campbell’s tomato soup
• 2-3 Tbsp. Diana Original Chicken/Rib BBQ sauce (or substitiute – this is not a very hot sauce)
• 2 – 19 oz. cans kidney beans, drained and rinsed. 

Heat oil in large pot at medium heat.  Add peppers, onion, celery and garlic.  Cook until light golden in colour.  Remove from heat and stir in chili powder and cumin seed, salt and marjoram. Meanwhile, fry ground beef in non-stick pan until cooked.  Drain fat if necessary.  Add beef to vegetables and add the rest of the ingredients, except the kidney beans.  Simmer for approx 30 min.  Add kedney beans, and simmer for 15-25 mins.

Things Your Partner Should Never Say to You in Baby’s First Two Months

1. “Don’t you have any sexy nursing bras?”
2. “If you didn’t get the laundry done, what did you do all day?”
3. “Really? The baby was up five times last night? I didn’t hear him.”
4. (five minutes after a feed) “I think the baby’s hungry.”
5. “What do you mean ‘do I have any protection?’ “
6. “Wow, I can’t believe how good Katie Holmes looked  just five weeks after Suri was born.”
7. “Do you really need another donut?”
8. “I had a hard day at work, I need some time to relax.”
9. “When do you want to start trying for another.”
10. (while you’re pumping) “Moo!”

Top 10 post-3a.m. feeding activities when you can’t sleep

1. Make faces out of your belly blubber.
2. Try to remember the number of partners you had and a) realize your a deadbeatmom tramp or b) wish you had sowed your wild oats before you had a baby.
3. Concoct ways to become rich from motherhood a la Baby Einstein and Robeez moms who made millions.
4. Read another baby book.
5. Reminisce about the days when being up at 3 a.m. usually involved dancing and alcohol.
6. Toss the baby book on the floor and read People magazine instead.
7. Smile smugly at the fact you’re a better mom than poor ‘ol Britney.
8. Think of ways to “accidentally” wake up your deadbeat partner who’s sound asleep.
9. Consider popping baby’s acne while he/she is asleep even though you know you shouldn’t.
10. Catch up on Jerry Springer to remind yourself that even post-baby, sleep-deprived, and without makeup, you’re still way hotter than his guests.

Deadbeat moms unite

Ever dropped the baby? Forgot to buckle the safety seat? Thought it was okay to give your one-year-old honey? Found out that spot on your little one’s face was frostbite?

 Welcome to the world of the deadbeat mom. Reality check:  real deadbeat moms would never own up to the fact. They’d blame other parents, the government, Children’s Aid, the liquor store worker or the high cost of smokes for their own shortcomings as mama bear.

I’m talking to all those moms who gobble up parenting books like krispy kremes. Who’ll breastfeed until age 15 if they think it’ll give their kids an edge at school. And then realize they’ve screwed it up when they poke their infant’s soft spot while strapping them in to the baby carrier.  

Yeah, like it or not it’s a fact of life: all new moms have a bit of deadbeat in them. I’m hoping this blog will help give sleep-deprived, bitchy, engorged new moms everywhere a chuckle, or at least a good burp.