10 Ways Springer is Better than Dr. Phil

Okay, so I must admit. I actually used to kinda like Dr. Phil. But that slowly started to chip away when he a) brought anti-Iraq war activists on (at the start of the war) and told them they were unpatriotic and b) apparently threatened to walk away from a sold out live presentation because (or so the story goes), he was not provided with a hair dryer (how ironic is this) as stipulated in his contract. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the “I slept with your sister” episode. Anyway, Jerry Springer is starting to look a whole lot better these days for a bunch of reasons…

1. Dr. Phil berates his trashy guests for their horrible deeds–e.g. sleeping with their wife’s sister or stuffing a 200 pound baby with Ho Hos…Springer celebrates the shortcomings of his guests, giving a bleeped out voice to the socially and economically disenfranchised inbred citizens of the world. 
2. Dr. Phil brazenly hounds Britney Spears to publicly humiliate her into sanity…Springer offers anonymous and infamous trailer trash everywhere the opportunity to publicly demonstrate their insanity.  
3. Any chance he gets, Dr. Phil is shamelessly promoting a crap book by his obnoxious son or annoyingly helium-filled wife who are both authorities on nothing…while…Springer’s only request of his charming, hearing-impaired daughter is that they waltz together on “Dancing with the Stars.” 
4.  Dr. Phil is a media slut in a psychiatrist’s clothes…Springer is a circus-freak shrink, disguised as a self-proclaimed media whore. 
5.  Dr. Phil thinks he’s God…Springer recognizes that even God has a sense of humour. 
6. Dr. Phil often hosts ridiculous shows about makeovers and helping people ‘transform’ their look…Jerry accepts his lovely guests just the way they are. 
7. Dr. Phil’s annoying son Jay has been known to put on a ‘fat suit’ to show how America’s obese underbelly is treated…Springer guests often expose just how big that underbelly (amongst other private parts) really is. 
8.  Dr. Phil loves the sound of his own voice…Jerry loves the sound of continuous bleeping when his guests get riled up…. 
9. Dr. Phil is notorious for sucking up to George and Laura Bush on his broadcasts…Rather than sucking up to politicians, Jerry is one: he was named Ohio Democrat of the year in 2004 and has been mayor of Cincinnati not once, but twice! 
10. The Dr. Phil show just plain sucks…So does the Jerry Springer show, but Jerry celebrates it! 

10 Truths About the First Year of Motherhood

Well it’s hard to believe it, but the little man ain’t so little any longer–he turned one on the 25th. The year has certainly been an adventure/experiment in sleep deprivation. I’ve also been smacked with a few other revelations along the way. For full impact, I suggest reading this list while listening to Barbara Striesand’s “The Way We Were.”

1) Even if you’ve managed to lose all the baby weight, it’s likely because any muscle tone you had before birth has been replaced by fat, which is lighter.

2) 90 % of the stress and anxiety caused by baby woes is likely to be unloaded onto your unsuspecting mate when he forgets to take out the trash, sleeps through the baby’s teething screams or butters the toast in that really f*$#ing annoying way!

3) You realize that your hair is getting used to being washed every five days.

4) You’ll sing ridiculous songs a thousand times in a row just to keep the kid happy so you can get dinner made, the diaper changed, or those emails sent.

5) “The girls” will never be the same…

6) In the good times, you think about having another baby, then realize you’d have to have sex.

7) After a couple of drinks you think about partying all night like in “the good old days,” until you envision yakking your guts out with a whiny baby next to you at 5am.

Absolutely everyone is a parenting expert.

9) A little pee here and there never killed anyone.

10) Despite the fact you’ve aged ten years and your muffintop jiggles, your baby’s infectious laugh reminds you it was so worth it.