Dumb Ass Kid Names

So I’m in the library today with baby Noa, sifting through the mass of board books when I hear this woman (and I kid you not, this actually happened) say to her 2-year-old, “Monet, we have to go find Matisse and then go home.”

I thought I didn’t hear her right. I mean would someone actually torture their kids in this way?  But then, clear as a bell, I heard her address her young children as Monet and Matisse. I wondered aloud to my sister-in-law what they would name a son–Pablo? Da Vinci?  Personally, I’m going with Warhol- which I think would be a stellar first name any child would love to have (and would surely never get teased about).  Is it any wonder that kids today are getting high on air from aerosole cans and cutting when there are people in this world bestowing names on their unsuspecting offspring like Monet and Matisse?

Truly some parents should be put away for their stupidity. How are these kids ever going to be anything but freaky goth kids strung out on crystal meth?  I’m willing to bet several cans of Campbell’s soup on it.

Deadbeat New Year’s Resolutions

Well I know it’s a little late for resolutions, but I swear, I’ve been thinking about writing them since December 26th!  Anyway, I’ll skip the lame excuses and get down to business. My resolutions for 2008:

1.  I will watch less TV (truth be told: I’m currently typing this while watching American Idol and think I may have just witnessed the next Courtney Love).
2. I will NOT compare Noa’s good looks and charm with other toddlers (though clearly he is the cutest, smartest and funniest baby in the universe).
3. I will attempt to take showers that last longer than three minutes.
4. I vow to make a weekly contribution to my blog even if Noa is teething and I’m living on 2 hours of sleep a night.
5. I will write a children’s novel about Chloe–my insanely jealous cat with bladder control issues–to toilet train children everywhere.
6. I promise to stop breastfeeding Noa before his 26th birthday (and this coming from the woman who thought she wouldn’t last six months).
7. I will not blast my husband or be bitchy when he attempts to be ‘helpful’ (why the f%$k would anyone one think an unneeded diaper change at 2am would make things better–are your f8$^&#ng kidding me????)
8. I will NOT use cosmetic tools such as botox despite the fact that the first year of motherhood has added 10 years (note: excluding microdermabrasion and eye lifts).
9. I will be on time for Noa’s play dates and Gymboree classes no matter how much he poops before he gets there.
10. I will replace cursing in front of Noa–especially when some goddamn bastard motherf*^%er cuts me off while driving–with a much more dignified and silent middle finger.  

10 Ways Studying Theatre Prepared Me for Motherhood

Was watching ‘Little Mosque on the Prarie’ this evening after putting the baby down and spotted a couple of actors I worked with on a show. You see before I became a blogger extraordinaire and a communications ‘guru’ (I’m being ironic here folks), I studied and, upon graduation, temporarily worked in theatre (as an actor, director and stage manager). Needless to say, I got really tired of the poor life and being a brutal waitress, decided to get out.

But that little TV show got me thinking about the four years of training/studying I did and how I still use these skills in relation to motherhood:

1. All those strange breathing/finding your inner voice exercises I did in acting class really came in handy during labour for those low primal grunts.
2. I’m able to ‘feign’ excitement when Noa puts the puzzle piece in the box for the hundreth despite the fact that I’m actually sleeping with my eyes open.
3. I do a mean puppet show.
4. Endless improvisation exercises have allowed me to develop new lyrics to lullabyes including extensive revisions to ‘Hush little baby…’ Examples: “and if that diamond ring don’t shine, Papa’s gonna buy you a bottle of wine. And if that bottle of wine is sour, Mama’s gonna take you to happy hour. ”
5. Animal impersonations are my middle name.
6. I’m prepared to make a complete ass of myself for a couple of laughs from my ‘audience’ of one.
7. The pay is crap.
8. Just like with the Actor’s Equity Union, once you’ve joined the motherhood gang, like it or not, you’re in it for life.
9. Not showering for several days is truly a form of artistic expression.
10. Motherhood is a lot like being a stage manager: you’re there to make sure everyone’s needs are catered to, the set dishes are washed, floor mopped and that everything runs on schedule and NOBODY thanks you.

10 Things We Survived that Parents Would Be Locked Up For Today

1. “Cutting Back” to a caraffe of wine and a half pack of menthols during pregnancy.
2. Putting rum on our gums when teething.
3. Peanut butter and jam sandwiches.
4. Riding our bikes unsupervised and helmet-free.
5. Hanging out in the car while mom ran into the supermarket for groceries.
6. Playing outside until dark (and sometimes even in the dark).
7. Walking to school with your “older” eight-year-old neighbour.
8. Goofing around in the back of the car without a child seat or a seat belt for that matter.
9. Stepping outside without sunscreen.
10. Walking to the corner store to pick up smokes for Dad.

Top 10 post-3a.m. feeding activities when you can’t sleep

1. Make faces out of your belly blubber.
2. Try to remember the number of partners you had and a) realize your a deadbeatmom tramp or b) wish you had sowed your wild oats before you had a baby.
3. Concoct ways to become rich from motherhood a la Baby Einstein and Robeez moms who made millions.
4. Read another baby book.
5. Reminisce about the days when being up at 3 a.m. usually involved dancing and alcohol.
6. Toss the baby book on the floor and read People magazine instead.
7. Smile smugly at the fact you’re a better mom than poor ‘ol Britney.
8. Think of ways to “accidentally” wake up your deadbeat partner who’s sound asleep.
9. Consider popping baby’s acne while he/she is asleep even though you know you shouldn’t.
10. Catch up on Jerry Springer to remind yourself that even post-baby, sleep-deprived, and without makeup, you’re still way hotter than his guests.

Deadbeat moms unite

Ever dropped the baby? Forgot to buckle the safety seat? Thought it was okay to give your one-year-old honey? Found out that spot on your little one’s face was frostbite?

 Welcome to the world of the deadbeat mom. Reality check:  real deadbeat moms would never own up to the fact. They’d blame other parents, the government, Children’s Aid, the liquor store worker or the high cost of smokes for their own shortcomings as mama bear.

I’m talking to all those moms who gobble up parenting books like krispy kremes. Who’ll breastfeed until age 15 if they think it’ll give their kids an edge at school. And then realize they’ve screwed it up when they poke their infant’s soft spot while strapping them in to the baby carrier.  

Yeah, like it or not it’s a fact of life: all new moms have a bit of deadbeat in them. I’m hoping this blog will help give sleep-deprived, bitchy, engorged new moms everywhere a chuckle, or at least a good burp.