Deadbeat New Year’s Resolutions

Well I know it’s a little late for resolutions, but I swear, I’ve been thinking about writing them since December 26th!  Anyway, I’ll skip the lame excuses and get down to business. My resolutions for 2008:

1.  I will watch less TV (truth be told: I’m currently typing this while watching American Idol and think I may have just witnessed the next Courtney Love).
2. I will NOT compare Noa’s good looks and charm with other toddlers (though clearly he is the cutest, smartest and funniest baby in the universe).
3. I will attempt to take showers that last longer than three minutes.
4. I vow to make a weekly contribution to my blog even if Noa is teething and I’m living on 2 hours of sleep a night.
5. I will write a children’s novel about Chloe–my insanely jealous cat with bladder control issues–to toilet train children everywhere.
6. I promise to stop breastfeeding Noa before his 26th birthday (and this coming from the woman who thought she wouldn’t last six months).
7. I will not blast my husband or be bitchy when he attempts to be ‘helpful’ (why the f%$k would anyone one think an unneeded diaper change at 2am would make things better–are your f8$^&#ng kidding me????)
8. I will NOT use cosmetic tools such as botox despite the fact that the first year of motherhood has added 10 years (note: excluding microdermabrasion and eye lifts).
9. I will be on time for Noa’s play dates and Gymboree classes no matter how much he poops before he gets there.
10. I will replace cursing in front of Noa–especially when some goddamn bastard motherf*^%er cuts me off while driving–with a much more dignified and silent middle finger.  

10 Signs Your Baby Has Taken Over Your Life

1. You refer to yourself as “Mommy” when you’re out on your own with friends.
2. Your excitement over shoe sales is replaced by discounts on organic baby food.
3. You pee your pants because between feeding, laundry, telemarketers, playing with the baby and Oprah, there just isn’t time to get to the bathroom.
4. The baby interrupts a lusty moment and you find yourself feeding in a bustier and thong as your husband waits anxiously in the next room.
5. The baby monitor takes precedence over your cell phone and Blackberry.
6. You now consider baby spittle a fashion accessory.
7. You’re still wearing maternity underwear because you’re saving to send your nine-month-old to college.
8. You call your mate “Daddy” in bed.
9. You turn down a wild night out bar hopping with the girls to attend a baby sign language class. 
10. You serve a roast beef smoothie for dinner so the baby doesn’t feel left out.

Things Your Partner Should Never Say to You in Baby’s First Two Months

1. “Don’t you have any sexy nursing bras?”
2. “If you didn’t get the laundry done, what did you do all day?”
3. “Really? The baby was up five times last night? I didn’t hear him.”
4. (five minutes after a feed) “I think the baby’s hungry.”
5. “What do you mean ‘do I have any protection?’ “
6. “Wow, I can’t believe how good Katie Holmes looked  just five weeks after Suri was born.”
7. “Do you really need another donut?”
8. “I had a hard day at work, I need some time to relax.”
9. “When do you want to start trying for another.”
10. (while you’re pumping) “Moo!”