Ignoring the grunts as I scrambled to cook dinner I discovered THIS in my Eco-shopping bucket under the kitchen table. I’m concerned he may have found the beer judging from his blasé look…
- Your baby’s first foods are Twinkies and soda pop.
- Your boob alcohol level is beyond 0.5 % (hey man, beer helps you make more milk!).
- You believe that the idea of second hand smoke being harmful is just a conspiracy theory made up by those damn anti-smoking Nazis.
- You put your 6-month-old daughter in a “My mom’s a M.I.L.F.” onesie.
- You’ve appeared on Maury with your 150 lb baby.
- The baby refers to the cow on the Baby Einstein video as “Mama.”
- You own a copy of “Gangsta Rap Lullabies.”
- There are cigarette burns on your Baby Bjorn.
- You think ketchup is actually a baby food condiment.
- You often try to settle arguments by flashing your boobs, especially when appearing as a guest on Jerry Springer.
Ever dropped the baby? Forgot to buckle the safety seat? Thought it was okay to give your one-year-old honey? Found out that spot on your little one’s face was frostbite?
Welcome to the world of the deadbeat mom. Reality check: real deadbeat moms would never own up to the fact. They’d blame other parents, the government, Children’s Aid, the liquor store worker or the high cost of smokes for their own shortcomings as mama bear.
I’m talking to all those moms who gobble up parenting books like krispy kremes. Who’ll breastfeed until age 15 if they think it’ll give their kids an edge at school. And then realize they’ve screwed it up when they poke their infant’s soft spot while strapping them in to the baby carrier.
Yeah, like it or not it’s a fact of life: all new moms have a bit of deadbeat in them. I’m hoping this blog will help give sleep-deprived, bitchy, engorged new moms everywhere a chuckle, or at least a good burp.