I know this much is true…

It’s been a whirlwind of a week for me (okay, with three boys under the age of 9 this is always the case). But a serious tornado of activity and learning. Yup, this may just be one of those serious “blue moon” kind of posts for me. To be fair, I am serious in my day job (though I have been known to create an internal campaign or two that made our CEO into a bobble head-like character).

In all seriousness though, this is what activities and events of the past few weeks have taught me: Continue reading

Advertisements

Third Times a Charm!

So here’s a smart way to ensure you keep up with your mommy blog–take a continuing ed. course in social media where you have to blog for credit!

Yup, I actually had to pay over $700 to get that kick in the pants to start writing “for fun” again. And in my 2-year absence what’s changed?  Scary Mommy, that’s what! Now Scary Mommy doesn’t actually scare me–I’m really just jealous. Because while I was toiling away at my not-for-profit communications gig, juggling three boys and their Pigpen-like cloud of dust surrounding them, she was busy getting over a MILLION followers–wtf?  I’m not sure which blog was first but I think I could take her in a WWF-style blogging smackdown!

IMG_0257

This is what I was apparently doing with my time…

Baby surfing…

IMG_1586

I spy with my sunglassed eye…

So while taking baby K to his first year appointment last week, I noticed a new parenting phenom–pushing iPhones to kids as a way to offload actual parenting duties.

Now, before you think I’m getting all high and mighty, let me preface this entry by saying I’m not against technology. Nor am I against kids using it from time to time. In fact when juggling three kids alone at the local fish and chip restaurant (what the f$%k was I thinking?) I did cave and put Thomas on for the older kids so that I could finish my meal in relative peace. And for a last resort, I readily admit the iPhone has been a pure and utter Godsend.

What freaked me out about last week though was hearing this: “Honey do you want me to read a book? Or play a game on the iPad?” She might as well have been asking “Do you want to go to Grandma’s in Hamilton or jet off to Disneyworld and meet Belle and Snow White?” Continue reading

Helicopter Parenting Hell!

Image

School is officially over. Time to kick back, relax and enjoy the summer…ahhhh

Shit!  I’m supposed to be busy stressing over my children’s placement for class next  fall and, demanding that he move classes immediately! Why? Because, according to the mom’s on council, THAT class is a split Grade 1-2 and so far, only five Grade 2 kids have been placed in it.

The fear, so the parent council brigade tells me, is that the Grade 2 kids are going to suffer socially and academically so I’d better get on the damn phone to the principal and do something about it just as Sophie’s mom had!

The funny part is for a moment I actually almost got caught up in the momentum of the hysteria. And then I thought “what the hell????” Since when is it my job to perfectly orchestrate every little detail of my kids’ lives?  Continue reading

Signs you’re on your third boy…

ImageI’ve always considered myself a pretty relaxed mom in that I’ve let my boys explore the world fairly uninhibited (only leashed them for about 2 weeks during the height of the “bolting for the street phase.”). But as my third boy approaches the “into everything in sight” stage, I’ve noticed I’m starting to really let my standards slide–how else is he going to learn??? You’re probably on your third boy if:

  1. Cords are a valid distraction so long as they’re unplugged from the wall (they can still be plugged into the computer though–a small shock could possibly have a Pavlovian effect).
  2. You’re fine with your 6-year-old spinning the baby around provided said baby is still giggling (even though you’re well aware that it could all end in tears and a visit to the hospital).
  3. You’ve “lost” your baby in the backyard only to discover him stuck, lying on his back in  a bush like an overturned turtle (true story).
  4. You’ve started telling people that the semi-permanent bruise on your baby’s forehead is, in fact, a birthmark, despite the fact that it seems to move from one side of his head to another.
  5. Day four of his life was spent in the emergency room because you literally dropped him on his head (to be fair, it hurt me way more than him).
  6. Crumbs on the floor are a legitimate form of nutrition.
  7. Dirt and rocks also count as food.
  8. 2 days in the same sleeper is the norm…(I’m an environmentalist trying to conserve water!)
  9. You’re grateful that the baby inherited his dad’s dark skin because you frequently forget to apply sunscreen.
  10. You’re relieved you forget to apply sunscreen because, although you bought the stuff, the Vitamin D remains unopened.

Top 5 signs your a 40+ mom with a baby…

5) You’re relieved to discover that Retin A is okay while breastfeeding.

4) You talk about your baby’s puke, the insanity that is your life and how you want to strangle your husband via a phone conversation vs. texting.

3) You hope other people chalk up your fatigued look to the baby and not to age!

2) Regardless of how many times you throw the baby over your head your triceps are still saggy.

1) The baby pinches your neck “waddle” while feeding (and you actually know what a waddle is because you were a huge fan of Ally McBeal in the 90s!).

Top 10 Advantages to Having Three Boys…

So did the ultrasound last week. A few things have changed in the last 3 and a half years. Namely, ultrasound techs are afraid to disclose ANY info, including the sex of the baby. After 30 minutes of measures and picture taking she let my husband come in to the room. “I can’t tell you the sex of the baby, but I can leave the picture on the screen so you can figure it out.”

Sigh. Right then and there I knew it was another boy (we already have two). Mother of THREE boys? And there it was, sticking out like a    pencil tip–a penis! Can’t say I was surprised, but my husband, convinced it was a girl was in utter shock.

Continue reading

The deadbeat is back!

Image
Please be a girl or a fussy, neat gay boy!

Yup. Preggars for a third time!  Just when I thought I’d seen the last of dirty diapers, sleepless nights and a line-backer like body I up and got knocked up!

 
Trying to pitch “40 and Pregnant” to MTV about the struggles of a 40-year-old pregnant woman who must live with the burden of pregnancy all WITHOUT the use of Botox or Retin-A.
 
Stay tuned!  If I can get over my “elderly mom” fatigue, I’ll write more soon!

Top ten things to do when away from the kids and husband for 2 days…

So I just returned from a “conference” in Ottawa (wink wink, nudge nudge). Okay, so I really went most of the time. But here’s what I managed to do in my “off” time.

  1. Enjoyed a GIGANTIC gin and tonic in business class on the train (I didn’t even ask for a double, however, clearly LOOKED like I needed one).
  2. Applied makeup in the hotel bathroom which had great lighting (as opposed to the car on the way to work while driving–does not make for a great eyeliner job!)
  3. Ordered whatever the hell I wanted off the menu without worrying it was “too spicy” or that the kids wouldn’t eat it because there were too many vegetables on the plate.
  4. Met up with an old girlfriend from high school and swapped marriage “war stories.” Realized we were both basically recounting the same damn story, just about different husbands!
  5. Bought a pair of hot high heels in a moment of confusion. Determined I’ll have to do special training to ensure I can chase after the kids in them.
  6. Took a trip to the local co-ed gym. Realized that by normally going to a women’s-only gym I’ve deluded myself into thinking I’m more fit than I actually am.
  7. Did not handle anyone else’s excrement or bodily functions!
  8. Went to a restaurant without plastic table clothes and crayons.
  9. Had enough time to actually read friends’ facebook posts. Discovered I was in the dark about my friend’s pregnancy for EIGHT months!
  10. Took a shower that lasted more than my usual 2.7 minutes!

Why Tiger why?

Okay, I must admit it. Being married to an Asian guy, and somewhat identifying with Kate in her sad attempts to maintain control when clearly control was nowhere to be found, I was more than a little bummed about Jon and Kate’s breakup. It was sad for the kids, yes. But more importantly, it left all those people who say “yeah, we’re dysfunctional, but isn’t everyone?” a little more uncertain. Continue reading

10 Reasons for Not Blogging in the Past year

My God, it’s hard to believe it has been so long since I’ve posted. Having a second baby really threw me for a long, unexpected, exhausting loop! As if there weren’t enough excuses, I thought coming up with more might be helpful not just for me, but for new mom’s everywhere, looking for new ways to rationalize a lax attitude, so here goes. (forgive me, I’m a little rusty).

1) Between diapers and potty training there’s just literally too much shit to deal with in a day.

2) My 2 1/2 year old reconfigured the laptop and I couldn’t figure out how to unlock his parental controls.

3) I was too busy every day preparing every single recipe from the “Wok with Yan” cookbook and blogging about it.

4) I was too bummed by the fact that that Julia chick stole my idea, and got a movie deal out of it just because “Julie & Julia” is catchier than “Pam and Yan.”

5) I didn’t want to steal Brad and Angelina’s thunder re. the twins.

6) I was too busy reading the one (yes, count ’em) ONE book that I’ve been reading for the last YEAR. (It’s called the Birth House, and although a great book, am not able to read more than 2 pages without falling asleep).

7) Keeping up my 6-pack abs takes several hours at the gym every day and I’m too exhausted when I get home.

8) I was just too well-rested and didn’t want to ruin my uniterrupted sleep with a late-night blog.

9) Entering my babies in weekend pagents, sewing cowboy costumes for them and winning “Grand Supremes” takes up a lot of time!

10) My doctor cut me off riddlan.

10 reasons why being knocked up again sucks…

Okay, so my blog has kind of fallen off the radar. Partly because I’ve been working at a new gig, partly because I’m preggars again and haven’t had the energy.  Anyway being 3 weeks away from popping out  another baby, I figured I’d make another last-ditch effort to get back in the blogosphere before I go back into the trenches.

Why Being Knocked Up Again Sucks:

1) Everything hangs just a little lower the second time around.

2)You’re two-year-old keeps requesting that you “open this” while pulling up your shirt in public to try and expose your belly.

3) The first pregnancy was all about YOU. The second is about changing green and purple poo while trying not to hurl, doing 5 loads of laundry daily and dragging your expanded belly and ass around a playground as you consider  who will pick you up off the ground when you pass out.

4) If you thought one child meant no action…

5) As the due date looms, you start having flashbacks to your first labour.

6) You literally walk around “barefoot and pregnant” because you can’t bend over to put on your shoes.

7) Your breasts have finally become your own and now you realize someone is going to take them away again.

8)  You’ve accepted that spittle will continue to be a fashion accessory for the next two years.

9) Having had a “dream baby” the first time around, you fully expect to give birth to a colicky “spawn of Satan” for round two.

10) You realize that your “cool” music collection will be taken over by the likes of the Doodlebops, Raffi, and The Backyardigans.

Why clean the house when you can watch home improvement shows??

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. And for good reason:  we went from not even having cable to getting satellite. Which means hours previously spent surfing the web and writing once Noa’s asleep, have now been replaced with every home improvement show imaginable.

 While You Were Out, Trading Spaces, Flip That House, Moving Up…the list goes on. What I’ve realized is that these shows kind of make me feel the way most women do after flipping through Glamour or People magazine: fat, unkempt and just, well, not put together.

Is my house fat?? I wish. But the stuff crammed in our little 1300 square foot semi makes sometimes leaves me feeling like someone who’s 200 pounds trying to squeeze into a size 2. We started out as minimalists, but then we went and had a baby. It was like suddenly POOF out of nowhere an eighteen wheeler packed with JUNK fell out of the sky and randomly landed in our house.

I know these shows are supposed to offer inspiration–I mean with a $1000, a can of paint, some cardboard tubing and a glue gun it seems like just about anyone can convert their den into an urban oasis.  But when I watch them, I just feel kind of depressed. ‘Cause the reality is, no matter how much clutter I clear or how funky an idea I have the only way it would get done in the first place (and stay looking perfect) is to ship Noa (now 16 months old) off to toddler boot camp or a nursery school that takes baby boarders.

 The only light, within this pit of home improvement self-hatred I find myself trapped in, is How Clean is Your House? For those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s about human sloth. More specifically, people who typically live in a fantastical blend of bacteria and shit. So much so, in fact, that the hosts are always marvelling at how the home owners have managed not to succumb to some deadly bacterial infection.

Now those people make me feel good!